1. What is Ego?
We all have thoughts, thousands of them, each and every day, and many of these thoughts are fleeting. They come and they go, like clouds in the sky or cars racing down a freeway. These fleeting thoughts never bothered me much. They went as quickly as they came, and I was none the wiser or no worse off for having them. Pervasive and ruminating thoughts on the other hand, almost destroyed me. These are the thoughts that circled endlessly and tirelessly. These are the thoughts that took me on a wickedly wild ride of ups and downs, sometimes telling me that I am worthless, and other times telling me that I am kind of the world. For years, I believed these thoughts. Since they came from me and persisted, I had no reason to question them. What I wouldn't realize for many years was that I was hooked to my thoughts like a fish on a lure. I was associated as one with my thoughts, and with that, came a commentary about those thoughts and who I was as a person.
The ego is the voice within that gives us our sense of self, our identity. It gives rise to the “I” and “me” within all of us. The ego wants to take care of “me," and wants to make sure my needs are met, even if that means keeping everything for me when there is plenty to go around. The ego usually comes from a place of taking care of self first. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense, as the ego is our sole protector. It is constantly scanning the environment for danger in order to keep us safe. Thousands of years ago, when danger approached, our fight or flight instinct would turn on. Hormones like adrenaline and cortisol would pulse through our systems instantaneously, in order to prepare us to fight off the attack or flee. As the ego's main job was to protect us, it is constantly on the lookout for any potential threats, ready to turn on this protective response. However, in today's world, the ego is in overdrive. In a world of judgments and comparisons, the ego of thousands of years ago is bombarded with information of "me versus them" and, "safe vs. unsafe." This can create a sense of fear, a sense of lack, scarcity, and not enough. This then changes our behavior to one of separation, so I can have more, while others go without.
I think of the ego as a constant commentator of life and what goes on around us. Growing up as a gay man in a conservative Catholic family in a small town, I knew there were risks of me coming out and possibly being disowned by friends and family. While that wasn't true, for 20 years I lived as if that were the case, and the ego response I associated with was fleeing, or in my case, hiding. The ego helped keep me small. It helped me feel small and stay small. When you are small and off the radar, the chances of an attack are less likely. This sense of impending danger sent signals to my commentator ego which in turn did what it needed to do to keep me small. It told me I was not enough, I wouldn't have enough, I would never be enough. And since I was attached to this idea, never knowing I could break free from it. I believed it.
The ego has always been with us and always will be, therefore, it is not something we fight, avoid or try to destroy. The ego is not bad. It is not something to overcome. It is something we live with because it is a part of us. The ego does serve us in many ways. It acts as a filter, interpreting and trying to make sense of information from the external world around us, consciously and unconsciously. In turn, this shapes our perceptions of the world as well as our thoughts of the world. Within the interplay of thought and ego is where we have the development of our values, beliefs and self-image, which influences the thoughts we have about ourselves and the world (and people) around us. Through awareness of the ego, we learn to live with the ego. We become aware that when we are associated with or identified as the ego and what it is saying about us, we are missing out on present moment living, we are the small self, usually living in a fear-based world filled with worry, anxiety and for me, depression.
I break the ego down into 3 main egos that plagued me throughout my life: The Insecure Ego, the Morality Ego, and the Narcissistic Ego. These 3 ego types have one thing in common, and that is fear. And this fear, telling us that we are less than or more than others, when left unchecked, can have negative effects on our psyche.
The Insecure Ego arises out of fear and says, “You are not enough.”; Arises out of attachment saying, “You are nothing without this person. You are nothing unless you have this worldly possession (e.g., the newest car or the fanciest mobile phone on the market).”; Arises out of desire, “You will only be happy and have self-worth once you attain this job, this job title, this socio-economic status, this body type or way of looking or this ‘perfect’ partner who will complete you.” For me, this is the "everyday" ego. This ego voice says to me, “You are not enough, you need a better job to be anything, your house isn’t good enough, you aren’t good enough.” This is the cruel ego that I I lived with for many years, thinking I was what this ego said to me.
The Morality Ego arises out of fear and adds judgement saying, “Can you believe they did that? I would neve do such a thing," and "I am better than them for my choices and my way of life.” It is the voice that casts judgment first and places “me” away from “them” as a protection to preserve self. When a person is in judgment of others, and rarely has all of the facts, it is likely they are associated with their morality ego. The religious morality ego has done a lot of damage in our world. When foundational religious texts talk of love, and then those so highly associated with their morality ego turn one group of people against another, wars and individual attacks break out, "in the name of God." This has little to do with God and more to do with a morality ego gone unchecked, because we are not even aware of it. The herd has spoken and the ego wants us to be included, so we go along what we're "told" by the masses media and other influential sources. This is not a critique on any religion or any religious beliefs. It is bringing awareness to the fact that we all have a morality ego.
The Narcissistic Ego also arises out of fear, and places the individual far above others, with an inflated sense of their own abilities and achievements. It says to the self, “I am the best and I am much better than you. To make sure I stay in the number one position, I will do anything necessary to keep me here." This is the ego that has an excessive sense of self-importance. It needs admiration from others and constant validation. When a person is associated with this ego, they are still coming from a place of fear and insecurity, but they over-compensate, rationalize, project their fears onto others, or use other defense mechanisms to maintain this false superiority. Additionally, power and control are guiding forces for those associated with the narcissistic ego. And as ego is based in fear and wanting more, we see it manifest by trying to create a common enemy, to protect this grandiose self-image and to ensure that, "I get my way." "Let’s band together against this group of people and protect ourselves." In reality, there is rarely ever anything to protect people from, but the barrage of grandiose statements lead some to follow the narcissist, while marginalizing others who have done nothing wrong at all.
The ego is also the part of us that laughs when someone we don’t like fails. It’s the voice that trolls and leaves nasty anonymous comments online. We know when someone is heavily associated with their ego when they change on a dime after having the slightest inconvenience, and then has a melt-down temper-tantrum in public. The ego is the part of us that posts it in hopes of getting likes, and then is devastated when we don't get the "magic number" of likes we secretly hoped for. It’s our politicians and the political media machines on all sides, using us as political pawns to get more votes. It’s what the news cycle preys on to get us to watch a 24/7 news cycle, the fear of doom, destruction and death as well as the fear messaging we are sent. “They are coming to take over, to take your children and ruin your values” that capitalizes on the ego’s fear that we have associated so heavily with, keeping us down as our small self. We are so unaware of ego, that we have started believing opinions as facts, and tall-tale lies & stories as truth and reality. It’s pervasive and scary, but it’s what the ego loves the most. This is the era of the ego. Separate that person from their ego and get to the true self, and there is beauty and goodness there. Guaranteed!
When we are stuck associated with ego and the egoic thoughts, we feel less than or feel that there is not enough, therefore, "I need it all." This leads to anxiety and worry because we are so associated as one with these thoughts, and we believe them. We create attachments to job titles & possessions, because we falsely think if we have "this title" or "this brand new expensive item," that we will then be happy. The sad truth is, when we get these material items or that job title, we are still left feeling empty and lost, because the ego is never fulfilled. This leads to another problem often seen in our society, issues with our physical and mental wellbeing. When the fear, anxiety and depression become too much, we turn to drugs, sex, alcohol, overeating, compulsive shopping or exercising and other behaviors to mask, avoid, suppress and repress how we feel when we are in this association with the false small self, the egoic self, further compounding our physical and mental wellness. The egoic commentary that comes out of false small self are fragments of stories, inflated and deflated half-truths, and are rarely on point with what happened, is happening or will happen.
By realizing we are separate from our egoic commentary, we begin to uncover our true self. And in finding our true self, we naturally find self-love, peace, tranquility, peace of mind and calm from within and in the present moment. Fears, anxieties and depression leave or lessen. We find happiness and fulfillment from within and as our world changes. As we age, as we lose loved ones, as our job/job title changes or as other fleeting externals change, we are ok because we are associated with our true self. We enjoy the world around us in present moment, because present moment is all we have. We begin to transcend the feelings of fear, lack/scarcity, anger, pride, etc., and move towards love, happiness, joy and peace. We still have ego, but we are now aware of our ego, and that starts creating space from the ever-needy, ever-fearful ego. This space is where we find our true self, inner-fulfillment and happiness in the everyday. We have to start somewhere to solve the problem, so we start with ourselves. We have compassion for self as we learn and grow, therefore, we also have compassion for others who may not yet know. Sharing this article with them may be a good start for them as well.
In this series of articles in the coming weeks, my goal is to bring awareness of the ego that every of us has and lives with on a daily basis, and teach others how we can get unstuck from attachment with our ego and our thoughts, bringing us back into present moment living instead of living in the past or future, constantly living in fear, under the spell of the ego's thirst that will never be quenched. I believed my thoughts for so many years, thinking to myself, "Well, the thoughts are coming from me, so they must be true." In fact, the thoughts are fragments and half-truths of reality. Now that I am aware of this, I can separate from my thoughts and come back to present moment. My happiness is not directed by the manipulation of thoughts from my ego, and my association with them. I now see the world differently, and live my life differently. I still find myself associated with my thoughts, but now, I have a tested method, Possley's Paradigm, which will be shared during this series, for getting unstuck from and staying unstuck from pervasive egoic thoughts.
To find out more about Possley's Paradigm, visit ImperfectionWellness.com.
Scott W. Possley is the founder and CEO of Imperfection Wellness and ImperfectionWellness.com, a wellness company focused on getting people unstuck from their negative thoughts. He has been meditating for over 15 years and has studied the teachings of Lama Surya Das, Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron and David R. Hawkins to name a few. He has his Master's Degree in Physician Assistant Studies from the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and worked for over 20 years in New York City as a physician assistant. Currently, he is training to become a Vedic Mediation teacher, believing whole-heartedly in the saying, "There is far more that unites us than divides us."