2. Finding Your True Self

This article is the second in a series of articles about understanding the ego and its hold over us. In the previous article, “What is Ego?” (https://imperfectionwellness.com/1-what-is-ego) I gave a brief overview of ego, explaining that we all have one, and we always will, and when we are associated with or attached to our ego, we are in small self thinking. We don’t fight our ego or rate it as good or bad, or try to avoid it. It is a part of us. Through awareness, we are able to start creating some space between ourselves and our ego. When we start creating this space, we make room for our true self to come in. In today’s world, we are fed massive amounts of information about how fearful we should be of “them,” the enemy, and this keeps us in a small self state of mind, preventing us from finding our true self, along with inner happiness and self-fulfillment. This cycle of perpetual fear and worry with judgments and comparisons is candy for our ego. To protect us, our ego separates “us” from “them.” And what’s the price we pay? Stress, sadness, anxiety and ongoing fear of the worst outcome, which we then repress, suppress or try to escape. Over time, this can also manifest as physical and mental disorders that we treat superficially instead of working on the root cause.

Long stressful days associated with our ego can be exhausting. And after these long stressful days, how do we sometimes reward ourselves? Likely through a numbing or escape mechanism. We overeat, we drink to inebriation, we mindlessly scroll or we sit on the couch and numb ourselves with hours of binge-watching TV, keeping us further and further from our true slef. I am not judging or critiquing any of these behaviors. These are the behaviors that got me through the past 15 years of my life. I was so unaware of my attachment to my ego and my small self, my fear-based small self. I couldn't even Imagine an alternative to where I wouldn't have to numb or escape, but could be in the beauty of true self present moment.  When I was most associated with my ego, I lived in a state of feeling like I wasn’t enough. I felt like I was inept in my skills and talents, my looks, my personality and my worth. I read self-help books, I went to multiple therapists and was on anti-depressants for years. Nothing seemed to work except my numbing agent of choice, alcohol. All of this because I didn’t know that I could become separate from my ego and my egoic thoughts. I thought I was what I thought, and this is what kept me as small self.

True self on the other hand is what I consider the purest form of ourselves.  It isn't tainted by societal conditioning, fears, worries and ego-based desires.  When I talk of true self, I am talking about association with inner peace, calmness with wisdom that everything will turn out ok one way or another, while connecting to something greater than me, whatever that may be, such as God, nature, the universe or other.  To find true self, I had to peel away layers of conditioning, fears and false beliefs to reconnect with an authentic version of myself I thought I had lost.  This is living as my true self, and it feels wonderful.  And as great as it feels, it is also fleeting at times, as our ego is always scanning for possible dangers, and in today's society, many false dangers are perceived, keeping us in small self thinking and living.  

This started to change for me when I started meditating regularly in 2015. I learned a technique called Vedic Meditation.  I received a personalized mantra and meditated twice daily, for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening. When I was meditating, I was able to separate from my ego and my egoic thoughts for 20 minutes twice a day. I was creating a needed foundation to build off of. When I was meditating, my mind would wander, and I would again whisper the mantra to myself so effortlessly.  It was such a wonderful experience. But so often, I would open my eyes and go about my day, and the ego and egoic thoughts that I call "Tasmanian Scottie", would come out to haunt me, keeping me in small self thinking. Tas Scottie loved convincing me that I was less than perfect, that I was greatly flawed, that I was worthless. This is how the ego keeps us in small self. Tas Scottie loved small self, because he could rule his small world with me under his spell. As I continued meditating and working on myself, while I would have many good days, I would somehow always be triggered back into his spell.

This led me to believe that I was lost, hopeless and broken. It led to a cycle of binge drinking to numb, feelings of remorse for a day or two, with a pledge to myself to do better next time, to being triggered yet again, and then falling yet again into association with my small self. At the time, I had no awareness of my ego and the hold it had over me. It wasn’t until the end of 2022 that I was able to fully appreciate how intense this hold Tas Scottie had over me, and I also learned that it was voluntary!  When we are not aware of the power of the ego, we continue to feed it, we become attached to it, and it’s all done voluntarily, which means, we have a choice in changing our association with our ego. We are not our ego. We are separate from the thoughts, feelings and emotions that arise within us. This awareness can bring us back to present moment living, now identifying as our true self.

The visual concept of true self versus small self came to me one day back in 2021. I was aware of the ego and I knew my meditation created some space, but I would still get pulled into its game, where I was always on the losing end. One night as I was tossing and turning in bed, I drew a picture of two stick figures. One was the False Self (aka small self) and one was the True Self. The false self I had been identified with for so long had me falsely believed that I am my thoughts, feelings and emotions. The True Self brings awareness to ego and I suddenly realized, while I have thoughts, feelings and emotions, I am separate from them.” This is a huge distinction. When I am those thoughts, it’s unchangeable and I lose hope. When I have them, they are not a part of me that is unchangeable, and I know that they can pass. I have a thought, I have a feeling, I have an emotion, and these are fleeting. Once I realize they are fleeting, I come back to my true self and begin living in the present moment, not the past or future, with self-fulfillment and inner happiness. 

The true self is who we aspire to be, and this is what Possley’s Paradigm sets out to help you find. The paradigm will be discussed in future articles, but you can see the full paradigm at ImperfectionWellness.com. The paradigm consists of 9 concepts for bringing awareness of our association with small self and teaches people how to get and stay unstuck from the attachment we have to our ego, bringing us back to the present moment where we can now associate with our true self.  The true self is fulfilled and finds happiness from within. and realizes, “While I have thoughts, I am separate from those thoughts as they are not the real me, they are not my true self.” As true self, we can appreciate and enjoy the many fleeting externals in our lives, such as age, beauty, a job/job title, how big our house is or how nice our car is, etc., but we are not defined by them. When we are aligned and associated with our true self, we know we are strong, even when we feel weak. We know we can do it even when the odds seem stacked against us. We have our self-worth from within, and not from an external source, and this gives us an internal strength that isn’t taken away by time or fleeting worldly possessions because it is within us. Additionally, our true self is only for someone else if we choose to share it with them. And because few of us are aware of this, many times we inadvertently give away our precious energy easily and freely. We give parts of us away to others who also don’t realize this nor do they appreciate this. Now you know the choice is yours.

Today when you are stuck in thought and associated with your ego, bring awareness to your thoughts, feelings and emotions, and realize you have them, but you are not them, as you are separate from them. Thoughts and feelings will begin to pass like clouds in the sky, and we are no longer tethered to them. While this awareness is wonderful, what I have learned over the past several years of working on myself and my association with my ego, is that the ego is patient. It can and will wait, and when I least expect, Tas Scottie has me hooked and I am back on the roller coaster ride of fear, anxiety and sadness. The good news it, I have created a way for getting unstuck and staying unstuck, and in the coming articles, we will discuss how to break this cycle, knowing when it returns, we have a plan.

Scott W. Possley is the founder and CEO of Imperfection Wellness and ImperfectionWellness.com, a wellness company focused on getting people unstuck from their negative thoughts. He has been meditating for over 15 years and has studied the teachings of Lama Surya Das, Wayne Dyer, Pema Chodron and David R. Hawkins to name a few. He has his Master's Degree in Physician Assistant Studies from the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and worked for over 20 years in New York City as a physician assistant. Currently, he is training to become a Vedic Mediation teacher, believing whole-heartedly in the saying, "There is far more that unites us than divides us."